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Showing empathy to advoid Power Struggle with Kids

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Listening means love. It means that we sincerely care about another’s opinions and emotions.
Here’s the problem: Many of us have a hard time listening when someone around us is emotional or is disagreeing with us. That’s why it’s helpful to have a few little sincere statements or questions in our back pockets:
•Tell me more.
•Help me understand.
•What would you like to see here?
•How long have you felt this way?
The next time one of your kids expresses their opinion…or their hurt…be sure to lend a sincere and empathetic ear, showing loving interest by using the points above. Remember: The more you listen to them, the more likely they’ll listen to you. If the tone turns disrespectful or manipulative, you can always switch gears and repeat, “I love you too much to argue” or “I’ll listen when your voice sounds calm like mine.”

Dr. Charles Fay

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As a parent, it's not easy to listen to our kids without giving comments or advices, which the kids would consider as being judged.
last night I had some a friend cam over for dinner, her friend also came along. my 7 years old was very excited as we don't have guest often. While I was busy talking with my friend, she asked math question and tried to show things around the house to may friend's friend. She probably that's the way she could entertain mom's friend.

When it's time for her to go to bed, I said 'you did a good job in helping mommy to welcome my friends, but next time can you try to talk with the guest about what she likes rather than just talked about what you want to talk about?". She said "it's ok mommy", but few minutes later, she looked rather upset. Then conversation went like this:
Me: What made you so sad?
My daughter (TN): I don't know.
Me: If you don't feel like you want to talk, it's ok. Tomorrow you will feel better. Good night.
TN: I am upset with what you said before about me showing things around the house to your friend. Why do you want me to be perfect?
Me: I don't want you to be perfect but don't you think it's better to always try to get better at things?
TN: yes, but I want to learn in my own way.
Me: ok. so, what did you learn today?
TN: I don't know

it's late for her bed time and I thought it's not a good time so I stopped then. My concern is how to help our kids to learn from what have happened. May be I didn't try to understand how she felt about things just happened and let her share what was good and what could be better?

What would you do if you were me?

Thank you.

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Hi Happiness,

My observation on this is that just because your child can't articulate a learning, doesn't mean that a learning hasn't taken place. Learning will show through in future behavior.
One of the things I learnt from L&L was not to focus on this specific event: the outcome we want is a long way in the future. Kids take a while to learn, and that's OK... Keep doing what you are doing and I think it will sink in eventually. Sometimes there aren't 'quick wins'.

All the best,

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Thanks DadinBK for sharing your opinion.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family!

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